my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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