The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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