just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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