You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
