shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize