my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
