He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We don't watch enough power rangers
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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