Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
