you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
