My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
