1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
