He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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