If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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