did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
