I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
