I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
