I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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