Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need help removing her.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
