in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
