Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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