She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
