And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
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Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sext me about skeletons
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