I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
