I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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