Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
