Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
