We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
