I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
