i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
