I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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