Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy