Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
