im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
