I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
