He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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