oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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