never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
