what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
