We won't sleep together?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have fence marks all over my body
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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