he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
