I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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