my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
