I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
