If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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