I have demons in me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
