So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
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By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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