Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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