I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
