I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
