pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Sext me about skeletons
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
