whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
