this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
