I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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