The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
