i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
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I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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