He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.