The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?