My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,