I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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