"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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